Fueled By Fate

Adieu

2009-09-22T05:55:00.000-07:00

I would say since the beginning of this year I have begun to understand more and more the difference between what information is appropriate to share with others, and what information is inappropriate to share. Seems like a simple concept, yes, but I think I appreciate it more now. I don't think I'll be posted here much anymore, if at all.

It's not for any negative reasons or anything like that, I just feel I've found better and more complete ways to express how I feel now, and those ways are not through online blogging. I still have my game blog too, which I sorta update still but I'm taking the same approach with that. If I know you, you already have my MSN and junk to keep in contact. :]

Goodbye, & farewell. ♥

Whisper, whisper.

2009-08-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

Rose Red is on, I love this movie. :]

I cut my foot today on a piece of glass in my brothers room. I been helping him and my sisters adjust to school starting and other common teen/preteen problems. I actually spent most of the day dealing with that. Sorta emotional and stressful, as children of this age tend to be. >_<

Since moms had the day off we took my car over to the mechanic guy to get it fixed (again), hopefully when we get it back it'll work fine and when school starts I'll have something to drive! ...or rather, David will drive and teach me how to lol

Do you believe in telepathy? I wonder if it could be real. Humans don't even use all of their brain, the possibilities are endless.

I been focusing more on "me" stuff. What I like, things I'm interested in, blahblah like that. Looking into drawing, geh, drawing hands is so annoying! ;-; I looked into anxiety issues, since I've been having alot of experiances which feel like anxiety attacks, and I seem to have alot of symptoms associated with social anxiety disorder. Should I go to the doctors or something? Like, I've been having these attack-like things so often lately, and I hate it, my heart feels panicked and I freak out, my mind races, I worry about stupid things so often lately and I can't figure out why. Finally sat down and seriously looked at the lawschool exam book the prelaw advisor gave me, I did well on the reading comprehension easy and medium difficulty question! I also got myself a free webdomain which I look forward to working on! idk what I even want to do with it, lol, I found out about it by checking out a game design website I used to frequent and one of the forum moderators was advertising it in his signature.

When I worry about stupid things, or things not really worth my time, I've been trying to stop and redirect my thoughts into something productive. Something positive. I wanna stop letting worry and doubt consume my mind so much. I can do better, I know that, and since I know it I should do it.

I read a quote that basically said, "Don't try to do things, just do them." I agree with that, it might sound dumb but alot of things I've been reading and experiancing has changed my perspective on things that have been going on. Have to stop letting fear control my life.

Gosh this movie rocks!

Mystery

2009-08-25T14:07:00.000-07:00

I need to take a nap but I can't seem to sleep.

I guess I'm kinda stressed out. The lawyer stuff doesn't seem all that appealing anymore, I think I'm actually satisfied with just going out into the world and working after I graduate. idk...I dunno what I want to do again, nothing inspires me, I'm not passionate about stuff.

idk what I'm doing, I guess. u__u;

I feel lost.

The loan situation bothers me too, like...I don't want to take one out, I don't know what my options are though. It's only $2500 that I don't think I have to pay back (nor will it get interest) until after I graduate, but still...thats alot of money to me. Like, alotalot. I don't want to have to pay anything back for school, ugh...I need to call the financial aid office, I have the number yet I can't bring myself to do it. I'm not ignoring the problem, I'm just letting it build up, and its stressing me out, I know I should call but I can't bring myself to do it.

I don't know whats wrong with me.

Other than that, stuff is ok I guess. I have to move my car or get it registered since someone complained about it being in the yard. idk which neighbors would have done it, since almost everyone on our street ALWAYS has cars parked in their driveway and on their lawn, but whatever....

idkidk

Why don't I do things to make my life better instead of doing nothing and letting it get worse. Maybe I don't really care what happens and I just keep telling myself I do care.

Strength Training!

2009-08-18T10:49:00.000-07:00

I worked out today with David.

'n wow, I feel great xD Like, my body feels really relaxed and stuff. I was so stressed out beforehand and now it's like...

Bliss~

My Life!

2009-08-14T18:28:00.000-07:00

I DON'T WANNA TAKE OUT A LOAN FOR SCHOOL!

It's only $2,500 ;-; And it's my last quarter here! Whyyyyyyyyyyyy do they want me to take out a stupid loan!

Two of my scholarships & grants are giving me less money this year -__-;; Atleast most of school is paid for, which makes me happy. idk tho...I'd prefer if it was mostly taken care of, I only need $400 more TOTAL and I'd be ok with not taking out a loan! Just....$800-somethin a quarter is alot of money to be missing out on. That's like rent for a few months, or books :[

I gotta call financial aid monday! Sometime next week I also need to go to campus and get registered for the student service thing that will help me find a job after I graduate.

...I don't think I wanna be a lawyer anymore, but I'm not sure. :< I'm just not passionate about it, but I don't know much about any specifics concerning it so of course I wouldn't be passionate.

I wanna help people. I want a career that will allow me to help people while bettering our society. What to do, what to do....

I Tell Time

2009-08-07T00:32:00.000-07:00

I'm so mood swing-ie lately.

I wonder what's wrong with me. :[

You

2009-08-05T15:20:00.000-07:00

My headache went away today. Yay!

I stayed up until 7am 'cause I slept so much yesterday. I woke up around two...hasn't been a pleasant day. I dunno what I'm going to do about RO, stupid issues I've caused for myself makes me...sad to play, when I have no right to be sad. It's pitiful and disgusting. I hate it.

Life is quiet. No one is doing anythign they're suppose to be doing so it seems almost like a joke. It isn't a funny joke, though. I could go on and on about how sad and boohoo stuff is, but I don't care that much. It isn't so bad, and I know that. It could be worse, and I should be happy it isn't worse.

And I am happy it's atleast ok. I have the power to make it better, though, yet I don't. I don't really have anyone else to blame but myself.

I want these uneasy, unhappy, insecure feelings to go away, though.

I Think I Love You

2009-08-04T10:41:00.000-07:00

Currently watching a new anime (new for me atleast!) called Saiunkoku Monogatari.

It's pretty awesome IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF. I'm on episode 12 I think, it's the part right when the kid with the dark green hair is introduced and they're at the pleasure district in town. I wanted to see a male harem anime and this one seemed perfect :] It's the first historical one I've watched (besides some of Inuyasha if that counts?) and I love it!

The main character is a girl named Shuurei. She seems sort of Mary-Sue-ish to me, shes the perfect cook, everyone likes her, shes great at cleaning, but then again maybe thats how all male harem animes are suppose to be. D: She wants to become a government official, but in ancient China women aren't allowed to take the test to become an official and therefore cannot become officials. Throughout the story, though, she meets alot of cuuuuuuuuuute guys who are willing to help her make her dream a reality!

Some parts of it don't make sense to me though o__O;; I think its cause of the subtitled versions I'm watching though. Like, its two that this website I visit links to and I guess it's chosen randomly; sometimes I get the good subtitled version and other times I get the crappy one with HORRIBLE translations. Sometimes the plot itself confuses me too lol. The one thats good translated is awesome :] I love all their explanations of like the episode titles too!

LIKE

One of them is along the lines of, "A frog in a well doesn't know the ocean."

And that means that a person only knows about their own experiances and doesn't know anything beyond that..or...something like that xD I love witty little phrases like that!

This anime has two seasons and I'm still on the first one!

I'm still sorta watching Fated to Love You, but it made me really upset so I had to stop for a while. :[

I think I will watch it now actually! xD The guy in it is soo cute! And I like the girl because shes nice, but sort of a dork too :> He knocks the girl up (on accident!) annnnnnd...idk, he's kind of an ass but really sweet. He saves her alot of the time but scolds her too which sorta molds her into a better person! I'm only on like the early episodes...like not even past episode 10 yet D:

IT's like an hour long though! ;-; Dramas are so long!!

I haven't been on MSN as much as I'd like to be. I even made a new one with less people but still don't go on alot.

I love this song. +_javascript:void(0)_+

MOLD

2009-07-20T20:52:00.000-07:00

I apparently ate moldy cake yesterday on accident.

Sad times. T^T

New Shooting

2009-07-20T20:15:00.001-07:00

It's no stupid freakin tutorials on how to add comments to a customized blogger layout.

It's so annoying, grrrr!

Alot of stuff has been goin on in life. It's been tough but idk...money problems, house problems, family problems, blahblah...keepin my head high though. :]

boohoo

2009-07-14T10:22:00.000-07:00

I am allergic to mosquitos. :[

I GOT LIKE, this huge itchy welt on my leg, right next to my knee that is driving me crazy! GOSH, an like, when I get bug bites...its not just "oh, lil bug bite boohoo!"

IT'S MASSIVE, THREATENING TO CONSUME MY LEG!

...maybe thats a little exaggerated ^^;;

Gosh job hunting sucks. Nobody is hiring, stupid economy. :[ How can I have cool stuffs (like oidk fresh fruit...) if I can't find a job ;-;

btw, Knowing was a stupid movie.

I still wanna see drag me to hell though +________+

Eyewitness

2009-07-11T08:13:00.000-07:00

:[

I still don't know where I'm getting $3,000 from for Autumn Quarter of school. They want me to take out a loan from the government but idw. u___u;; I searched around and found that the state I live in could be giving me an additional grant, but since the people running the state still haven't created the state budget idk what will happen. I guess Monday I'll finally travel down to the financial aid office on campus, since they are too stupid to respond to my emails. :/

I've been feeling sad and grumpy lately. I find that I'm losing interest in things that I used to like.

I think it's going to rain today! ...like, soon o__O;;

I still need to figure out how to add comments. Ugh, blogger is so annoying.

It's weird to me that I don't post here as much as before. Usually I talk to my bf about stuff going on so I guess thats why. It's also sorta because, well, in the past people have gotten angry or upset at me for posting things about them or regarding them. Then I found out some people wouldn't even talk to me or befriend me because they were afraid I'd post something about them on my blog.

I don't see the problem, since it's not as if I have a large audience anyway (ilupeoplewhodoread!). But I do understand it's more the PRINCIPAL of the matter.

Just now, its weird, because I don't know sometimes what is ok to post so end up not posting anything. :[

I'm also unsure whether I should continue watching Fated to Love You. The third episode really made me upset, and get emotional. I don't like the way it effects my mood.

ALSO

My computer (desktop) seems to be broken again. Ugh, I hate technology! :[ My computer is only 3 years old and its been having so many problems lately. >_<

A Saved Up Wish

2009-07-05T21:46:00.000-07:00

I'm addicted to Fated to Love You. D:

Thats the ending song xD It's so awesome! It's the first drama I've really gotten into before, my friend on Ragnarok suggested it to me and I'm glad she did! XD

Life is ok in general! As far as I am concerned I'm slacking with things I'm suppose to be doing and not motivating myself to do things I need to be doing. u_u;; I like RO alot less than I used to, which sorta makes me sad, but the more I think about it the more I realize how much I have outgrown that game. I'm still figuring out what I'll do.

idk, I guess I just been realizing alot of things lately. Things I need to change about myself and whatnot.

It's alright though, I'm not sad about it. :]

Shoutout to Esteban and whoever else reads here! ♥

Sing For Me

2009-07-03T22:33:00.000-07:00

Yeah

2009-06-20T00:41:00.000-07:00

I decided to keep my cat, although I don't know what I will do if she is pregnant x__X;;

Everything else is well.

Cat Problems

2009-06-16T23:59:00.001-07:00

I don't know what to do about my cat.

I feel bad, because I don't think I ever had the time to give her the love she needed. It was either freaking out about school or some other aspect of life, I did play with her though. She always had food and water and I always made time to pet and cuddle with her. I can hear her outside meowing, yes, outside meowing. She managed to get out of the house all on her own. David and I went outside to get her, I was happy to have found her, and she scratched David up when he picked her up so we left her outside. I can't go out to get her now, its like 3 in the morning.

I got her when she was a baby, she was old enough to be taken from her mother. I did all the things the guides said to do about when you bring a new kitty home. She wasn't really affectionate though, she never has been and I never responded well to it because I wanted a pet who was affectionate. I wanted a pet I could cuddle with and stuff, Tessie was never that kind of cat. It only got worse as she got older. She will let some people pet her, and others she just hisses at.

She hisses at the family alot. She has scratched and bitten my family members many times when they've tried to pet her. I can't hold her or cuddle her without her being agitated and trying to get away. I can't deal with her personality, I've tried to this past year and I just can't.

I don't think I ever want any pet again after dealing with her. I don't like being responsible for an animal that doesn't show me any kind of love. I've spent so much in food and supplies and emotion and energy and shit on an animal that acts as if she hates it here so much, like we're so fucking bad to her or something. I can't figure out what I've done wrong....maybe I didn't love her enough? I played with her and brushed her and stuff though as long as she let me do it. Nowadays I can't hold her still to do anything. What do I do?

I don't want to give her up, and at the same time I know I should. Maybe she was abused or something before I got her...I mean, what kind of cat doesn't like being petted and stuff? She's hissed at me since day one when I was just trying to feed her treats. :/ My mom got her from a friend, maybe they did something to her...and, idk, I didn't know anything was wrong with her when I got her so I just treated her like a normal cat. Maybe she needed alot of extra love and attention and I never gave it to her...idk...

If I gave her to a cat shelter or something, they could find her a good home. Maybe with a person who loves cats, and she could be around other cats too so she can socialize. She doesn't like socializing, my sister got a kitten and all Tessie did was hiss at the poor kitty when she tried to sniff at her. Tessie doesn't like anybody....I don't even know how to fix her, I don't even have the resources to take care of her...

But I can't give her up, I chose to have a cat. She is my responsibility and I will not pawn it off on someone else. At the same time, this is my first pet since Chewie. Chewie was my old dog, I loved him. He was so playful and fun and affectionate. This cat is like the total opposite of Chewie. But shes my responsibility...even if its so hard to deal with her I still chose to have her. But I can't deal with this personality, if she were like a human friend or something I wouldn't associate with that friend anymore because I like...communication, and mutual love, or atleast showing some fucking kind of concern for me. Not even just because I take care of her, but because .... because like, shes a friend in a way, or atleast has grown to be even though shes so hateful towards me and the family.

I just wish she cared for me and David more, I wish she wouldn't hiss and scratch at us, I wish she would just be nicer to us, I wish the kindness and caring we showed her was reciprocated in atleast some form. I feel like I don't know why I'm caring for an animal that doesn't even like me. How can I rehabilitate her? Just give her her space? Why can't I have a cat that likes to be petted...why can't I have a cat that isn't so violent...

I don't want any pets anymore.

I'm Your Slave ~

2009-06-13T17:50:00.000-07:00

Sooooooooooooooo!

Final grades (which I totally don't care about isn't it so obvious) ... (sarcasm :[ )

Statistics: B+
Biology: A-
History: A

idk how that happened, but ok. o__o;;

Working on my website! :] It's gonna be an RO fansite with lots of happy stuff for people to have! ^O^ Right now just working on the layout for it, I wanna add soooooo much content, somethin to keep me busy!

Now that I've actually been sleeping things are less stressful and I feel alot better xD In two weeks though I'll be home-schooling myself with studying for the LSAT and learning spanish! I already know some German cause I took it in high school and in college! I wanna learn spanish though 'cause I think it'll be more useful since it's so many people who speak it :]

Gosh I feel good today! ^O^

Grades! Update One

2009-06-12T16:32:00.000-07:00

I haven't been at the computer so I've been unable to fix the layout! D:

solyyyykeeee

I got a B+ in Statistics! I'm sad because it's almost an A- ;O; I got an A- in biology too!

Now to wait for my history grade...if I get an A (hope so) that'll bump my GPA up to a 3.3! Law school, law school, here I come~

Mostly been resting at home. Starting to feel nauseous again, sort of like I was before, so now I know for sure it's the energy drinks doing it to me. >_< I have like 6 left x___X;; I don't want to drink them because they make me 6, but then thats like $10 down the drain....

:[

K, gotta go again >.<

Oh Tell Me Why

2009-06-12T05:58:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to say I feel better now.

I finally got to sleep last night and I feel alot less tense and stressed out. I gotta fix this layout so it can have comments, sorry about that if anyone (especially Esteban!) has tried to comment and has been unable to. >o<

ugh

2009-06-11T13:29:00.000-07:00

Didn't get to bed until 5:30 this morning...

Finished the essays, the homework, and took my exam. I don't care about school right now, I'm so tired and I can't even sleep....energy drink, lol. I HAD TO DRINK IT to say awake to take my exam :/ The exam went ok I guess, I don't think I did too well.

I dunno...I don't care...

I'm so tired...

Fed Up

2009-06-10T17:31:00.000-07:00

I'm so frustrated I want to cry.

My essays still aren't done, I still have two sections to study for statistics, and now my T.A. I emailed early two days again tells me I answered one of the questions wrong on my homework and I have no idea what I did wrong and I have no way to contact her now.

Like, the essays...it's 8:30, I don't have either completely written. I still need to study for my statistics exam, what the fuck am I going to do? I wanna cry, I feel so overwhelmed. I started this school stuff early, I didn't wait until the last minute. I did my statistics homework on time and I started my paper for history at the right time, I didn't wait until the last minute to do shit this time...the stuff I need to study in statistics is the stuff we just recently went over, but its like, not enough time, because of the stupid homework taking so long Monday and then finishing it yesterday and trying to finish the stupid essays and...not....

I don't want to do this anymore.

Irritated As Fuck

2009-06-09T22:10:00.000-07:00

I'm having trouble writing my final exam essays for history. I've spent the past 8 hours working on them, literally, and I have nothing to show for it. Just a bunch of scribbled down notes....it's too many fucking questions to answer in like the one question. It's so irritating, I feel like she could have atleast gave us a brief introduction or something on how to write this shit based on all these stupid fucking questions contained in one super question. All I need is a fucking thesis statement, a good solid thesis statement so I can write the rest of the stupid paper for each stupid assignment. I don't know what to do...I need to study for statistics too, I can't spend all my time writing this stupid paper.

uggggh, I'm so pissed off and irritated by this. The last history class I took was different, they explained what they wanted us to do and how they wanted us to do it. They gave examples, it's like jeez, I haven't had to write a paper that required me to have a thesis statement since my junior year in high school...I'm technically a senior in college now, thats so freakin long ago how can she seriously expect us to just know this shit.

I feel like I"m making it harder than it actually is. I mean my freakin gosh, it's a 2 1/2 to 3 page paper for each question...it should have only taken me the past 8 hours to write BOTH papers and I should have had it done by now. I went to class everyday, I took excellent notes, and yet still I cannot write this stupid fucking essay because I can't think of a stupid fucking thesis statement because she wants us to answer too many fucking questions within one super question. I hate this class, I swear. History was always my favorite subject, it even was last quarter when I did the online class, but with her it's almost making me hate history.

It's even mroe annoying because its like, ok, what if I suddenly get this spurt of energy, and it's like "ohmygod i can totally write this!" ...and the past 8 hours of work turn out to be useless. All the notes, the brain rattling, the irritation, all of it useless, and I end up staying up all night tomorrow finishing the paper and never gettign to study statistics.

God I hate this fucking class. I emailed the instructor today at like 1 PM with questions and I have yet to hear a damn thing from her and the essay is due this Thursday.

So irritated.

Exammies

2009-06-09T07:48:00.000-07:00

-.-

Progress?

Finished my statistics homework. Well...I finished the calculations and wrote it mostly by hand, now I have to type it all up. I gotta be finished with that by 12pm so I can move on to writing my final exam for history.

I gotta write a thesis statement on how the period of 1914 - 1945 can arguable be called the second 30 years war (in Europe), and how the First World War impacted the Second World War. I'm stuck on how to make one coherent thesis statement that will be sufficient enough to answer both of those questions ;-;

And thats just part one of the essay!

For the second part, I have to analyze how the Scientific Revolution, 1848 Revolution, Russian Revolution, French Revolution, and Industrial revolutions are all revolutions, what the commonalities are between them, and why each event should be called a revolution. That question just irks me a little because it seems like it's sooooooo much information >.<;;

I'll do fine though 8D

I'm proud of myself. Statistics homework isn't due until Thursday and I'm already done AND it served as study material for the final exam in stats that I also have that day. I still gotta study statistics and write these stupid papers >__<; I figure I'll stay up all night writing them today, edit them Wednesday, turn them in Thursday and inbetween that study for my stats final. I don't WANT to stay up, just if I have to I will. I know it's important that I get 8 hours of sleep the night before the exam and I don't wanna be up all night writing those papers and trying to study :/

Kk, back to work!

Dream Child

2009-06-05T16:08:00.001-07:00

If I had a son I would name him Oliver. :]

I have compleeeeeeeeeeetly fallen in love with that name! idk why, it's like random, but Oliver seems so nice, and perfect... ^^

PPS

2009-06-05T05:54:00.000-07:00

School is over! Had my last classes yesterday and they all let out early. I only have one exam and one paper to write as my finals. OH, I got stats homework I gotta do too.

I missed the lecture on chi-squared and I really wish I wouldn't have. ]: It's ok though, I'll figure it out.

I didn't sleep for like 3 days, lol. I'm all caught up on my sleep now I think. As a matter of fact, I'm so caught up that my head hurts from sleeping so much last night @_________@;; My body feels like crap, but it's my own fault so whatever.

I been feeling nauseated lately and I have no idea why. My doctor said it might be gastric problems, it's been going on since memorial day though. Not really bad, well, atfirst it was really bad, but it's light now. I think the stress and not sleeping triggered it. On memorial day I ate WAY too much, like so much I got sick, but the day after memorial day I felt ok, and then the day after that I had some nausea.

My mom got on my case about not sleeping though, telling me about how unhealthy it is and stuff. Once my body starts sleeping normally again and the stress from final exams subsides I'll see how I feel again and if it's still sick I'll go to the doctors again.

I got such an annoying headache right now u___U;;

Only one year (3 quarters) left in college. Debating on whether I'm going directly to law school or waiting a year. If I went directly to law school I think it would be bad for me, since I'd have to rush to do my LSAT, get referances, write my personal statement, and get the money together to actually pay for the test and stuff. If I waited a year, I'd get a job or volenteer or something. I dunno. It would be a year of no school, I dunno if I'd be ok with that. The advisor guy said though that like 15-20% of people opt not to go directly to law school...

For my senior year I wanna really get in shape. I wanna start dressing professionally and doing my hair up more often and just...I wanna be professional and serious!

ack, I feel like crap right now, gonna go lay down or something...

Angry Angry Biology!

2009-06-03T01:37:00.001-07:00

I AM SO ANGRY

I hate this stupid biology class. omfg, I hate it so much. So, right, working on the group paper.

Not fun.

I am, like pissed off, what the hell is wrong with my group? So far, none of their parts of the paper are right. THE PROFESSOR GAVE US A DIAGRAM OF EXACTLY WHAT EACH SECTION OF THE PAPER NEEDS TO LOOK LIKE AND HOW LONG EACH SECTION SHOULD BE, and I have people who wrote too much and got off topic, and people who were suppose to write a page and a half and wrote less than half a fucking page. No one cited correctly, oh my fucking god, I am so irritated. I asked the girl in class who usually puts the papers together what I should do with the papers (before I read them) to put them together, she said just proofread, add the summary, and submit it.

If I do that though, we'll get a bad grade....and my grade for this class already sucks because of the group work. It's almost 5AM, I don't know if I should just suck on a 7-hour-energy drink and basically rewrite half the fucking paper before I have to go to school or what. sigh....if I don't rewrite it, it'll hurt my grade too.

i hate group work.

Eeeeeeeeeeek!

2009-06-01T00:05:00.000-07:00

My group is so...ARG! We have a group paper that I'm compiling due on Wednesday, no one has given me their parts of the paper yet, I don't think most even know what we're doing, this is ridiculous. >__>; This means, basically, I won't be sleeping Tuesday night because I'll be trying to make each part of their paper into a coherent policy statement about why using nuclear power is the best fuel alternative to reduce our use of fossil fuels. I believe that's the paper atleast? Man I have so much work ahead of me ... u___u;;

This layout is so icky x__X;

I'm working on my analytical essay over nurses in world war one. I dunno what I wanna argue about it though, I just know I like this particular document we had to read and now I need to write an argumentative essay over it. World war one really disturbs me, like, more than any other war I can think of. I don't know why, it just bothers me so much, and it's like...meh, nevermind.

I gotta get back to work. The week before finals is stressful ;O;

cough-cough

2009-05-31T09:03:00.000-07:00

I been sick lately. :[

Little Things

2009-05-26T22:02:00.001-07:00

I kinda don't like my biology group anymore. It was all sorta fun and ok early in the quarter, but their lack of focus has seriously impacted my grade and it's irritating me alot. I wanted an A in biology, this class is an easy A if you're in a group that tries atleast a little hard, but my group appears to just blow everything off. They're always giggling and playing and making jokes and stuff when we're suppose to be working, we're never on topic, and the last paper we wrote got a B. When I wrote the paper before that while they were all goofing off and NOT helping me in class, we got an A. :/

Then, paper before the last one we turned in we only got a C on it. We were poorly organized, I didn't even know the topic we were writing about for days after the assignment and we didn't figure it out until the day before it was due (we had one entire week to write the paper). It's partially my fault since I waited until 4 days before it was due to start it, and only one day before I needed to give it to the person compiling the paper in our group. ]: But still, a C, wtf? My part of the paper was only like 1/5 of it, wtf did everyone else do to make us get a C?

They're not efficient, I don't feel like we accomplish what we should be accomplishing. They always wanna play and joke around, which I was cool with at first, until my grade starting suffering. It's nothing wrong with them, I'm not saying I don't like them or somethin 'cause they seem like ok people, just not people I would want to work with in a class worth a letter grade is all. It's not fun, maybe I am just too much of a serious student, but this class was an easy A and now I won't be getting that easy A because of how group orientated this stupid class is and the group I ended up being put in. I sorta need the A to pull up my GPA since I won't be doing so hot in my statistics class.

Oh well...

I finished two of the papers due for the class already, I gotta finish the big one now. It's like 1AM, I woulda had it done sooner but I fell asleep. >.<; It's ok though, it's over global climate change and I already have it planned out and junk. I have the rest of my academic week planned out for that matter, lots of papers and assignments due since it's only two weeks left in the quarter!

I can't believe California upheld it's ban on same sex marriage. Intolerant much? :/ Same sex couples have the right to get married just like anyone else does. I wonder if the ban was upheld because of the stupid propaganda shit some of the religious organizations pulled last time.

Like, seriously, I can not believe we are still wasting our time being concerned over whether a dude wants to screw another dude or a chick wants to screw another chick---WHO CARES, honestly, who the fuck cares? Why don't we devote all this misdirected energy we pour into same sex marriage debates and put that into doing something about world hunger, or doing something about addressing the increase in breast cancer incidence rates, or do something about overpopulation, or do something about global climate change?!

No, no. We would rather focus on stupid, unimportant shit like how "omg so ebil and wr0ng teh same sex marriage iz. srs d00d." Gimme a fucking break. :/

Someone else at my school has the H1N1 virus. u__u;

And is anyone else worried over the stuff going on in North Korea? I'm alarmed. We're discussing world war I and II in my history class. War is not fun. War is scary, civilians are targeted, many young men and women die because of it. People are exploited. People are lied to. It's so much destruction. I don't like war. I don't want people to die.

>o<

2009-05-21T05:25:00.000-07:00

....

K, so like, been up since 6am. Not so bad, got breakfast, finished the history study guide I made, good times good times. I head out the door a few minutes early because I had a nagging feeling the bus was going to come early today.

....and as I advance up the street a few minutes earlier than necessary, what do I see?

THE BUS.

The freakin bus.

The freakin bus came 5 minutes early and I freakin missed it. >__>; Drove right past me. I'm late to class, mom is at work so I can't bum a ride from her, my peice of crap car is still sitting in the driveway undriveable.

Ugh.

U-G-H.

So now, like, geh...this is so annoying! I missed the bus, I have to wait until 8:50 to catch the next one, not only will I be late to class but I have to walk almost a freaking mile because I'm going to miss the second bus I need to catch to be to school on time. >__>;

So it's like, whatever, skip class! ....but my homework due next Friday is over this stuff and plus my prof. takes attendance for credit. I can still miss another day before it starts to hurt my grade but...idk...today will cover what I need to know to finish the homework, and I don't wanna miss that...

Stupid freakin bus, grrr I'm so irritated. But my butt to be ready earlier and it don't even matter.

Then I check the stupid bus schedule thing, and apparently it's always suppoose to come at this time (actually was a minute early) but I guess the usual busdriver is just always late because the bus was there at 8:06 and it usually doesn't come until 8:12-8:15. It's so annoying...I can't believe I missed it, I was suppose to go to the drugstore and pick up something for lunch, now it's like, no lunch now blahblah and I don't get home until 5pm.

Whatever...stay positive, so I'll be a little late, no big deal. I'll just have to eat out for lunch even tho I hate doing that. n_n

Idiot!

2009-05-03T06:03:00.001-07:00

Oy!

So now it's Sunday, and I have to spend all day doing school stuff ~___~ I wish I wouldn't procrastinate :/

I have to write part of an essay on using stem cells to grow organs for humans. I'm doing the consequences part of it. I guess I'm suppose to talk about the positive and negative? Gotta write a page and a half u__u;; Wish I would of started sooner...I was suppose to email one of the girls I'm working with so I could get a copy of the last paper we did so I could figure out what I was doing but blah...didn't. Hopefully she checks her email today, I have to send the stuff to her by tomorrrow.

Stats midterm coming up, so not looking forward to it. Actually, I'm not looking forward to any part of school. I kind of wish I could just drop this quarter...it's like, stressful, I maintained a 4.0 the past two quarters and now I'm burned out. Don't want school. Plus I never get to sleep, it's like...stupid.

I gotta get positive though u__u; If I keep a negative attitude I'll just do worse.

I'm tired now though, didn't get to bed until late...well, not too late, but still late. I sort of regret playing RO yesterday since I knew I didn't deserve it since I haven't been doing school work. I dunno, I just need something to motivate me since I can't seem to motivate myself. What to do, what to do...

An Oath

2009-04-27T16:39:00.000-07:00

PICKED UP MY CAR TODAY, it should be fixed too! I gotta get license plates for it though, but I can't wait to put all my Hello Kitty stuff in it xD It's so nice to have my car back though, when we first bought it so much junk was wrong with it that we had to take it back to the guy we bought it from. Now it's gewd though! ...or atleast so far so good. Moms did a partial tune-up on it earlier and will work on it more later on. It doesn't bother me none since I can't drive it no way since it doesn't have any registered plates on it.

I've sorta ventured off from MMO's and made my way into first person shooters....and ohemgee, I loves it. +__+ LIKE I NEVER realized how much fun first person shooters were xD I've been playing this game with David though and it's so much fun, 'n I'm even more happy that I like it because *I* like it, not just because he does ^^ osmness!

School is ok, I feel more like I have it under control. I gotta make appointments with my advisors and I'm behind in statistics but its nothing a little hard work can't beat!

Made my schedule, my time for each day is all sectioned out. Problem is I lack self discpline to stick to the schedule, I know it's important but something inside me just does not want to conform to a schedule. :/

I'll figure it out! +_____+

So uh, this swine flu stuff is sort of scary. I've been reading up on it and junk, especially on Yahoo News thing that is fascinated by this outbreak. I been trying not to touch my face, and covering my mouth and stuff if I sneeze/cough, and washing my hands alot too. There is only one confirmed case of it in the state I live in and thats far from my house. I feel sad for all the people in Mexico who've contracted it and even sadder for those who have died. My mom told me to stop reading so much into th swine flu stuf but ....

In my opinion, I think we're overdue for a big-super-killing disease so I think the WHO is taking accurate precautions to deal with this situation. Even if this isn't the "big one" that kills thousands of people, I'm glad we're atleast aware of the issue, trying to contain it, and trying to prevent mass infection. Even if this turns out to not even be a big deal I'm still glad that things are activly occuring to deal with the situation, rather tan just passivly sitting by. I'm not sure other people would be as ok with teh situation though, I'm sort of worried it might weaken the WHO's credibility or something. LIKE, if this isn't a pandemic then the WHO might be less credible, if it is one though alot of people will get sick which would have an enormous impact on the economy and society and many people will die. I don't want either option. :[

I've never even had the normal flu before o__o; So I dunno what to expect from a pig flu, I was reading a news article thing...one girl who got it in NYC said she was coughing and her body was acheing and stuff, plus I'll probably read up on it more to get the specifics.

Family stuff, atleast with my sibilings, kind of sucks right now. There was alot of drama over the weekend since my sisters didn't come home and now they're drama-ing at my mom. My baby brother is being more obnoxious than ever and not listening. NO, scratch that, none of them are listening, they're disrespectful, they're inconsiderate, and very unappreciative. u__u; My brother who is away a college had a birthday yesterday. I only sent him a text in the morning, I had planned to call him later in teh day and sing Happy Birthday to him and stuff but I totally forgot to. :[ Not so much forgot...just got so busy, I have two quizzes and like 3 papers this week, totally fail, and then a midterm in statistics next week so I've been swaaaaaaamped. I wanna still call him though, waiting for him to text me back >.<

If I wouldn't of been so concerned with video games at the begining of the quarter I would be pefectly on track with my schedule right now. :/ That's sort of why I've quit I guess, the less I play the less I find myself caring.

OH, man, it's been so freakin' hot. :[ Like in the upper 80's, thats H-O-T for April weather where I live xD We hit like a record high yesterday at 88 degrees. The weather is way out of whack, THANK YOU GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE.

8D

Closed My Eyes Are

2009-04-15T17:13:00.000-07:00

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

Yah, the creepy man hasn't called...or atleast if he has it doesn't matter because our phone is disconnected! Mom did not see the use of having a home phone I guess...? ^^;; We recently switched cable companies and our phone was included in the old one and didn't transfer over to the new company so...not sure how this will work entirely, lol.

The whole situation brings me alot of anxiety and that makes me sad. :[ When I get on the bus I'm like afraid I'll see him and afraid to have to explain myself. I'm over the scare of what happened I guess, it's like the fear from the situation and dealing with the man in the future that has me upset now. >_<

School...

Taking statistics! I haven't been paying attention in class or doing the readings, lol...

Taking biology102! I started off the quarter really bad by writing all the papers I've had due at the last minute, and staying up until 4AM to finish working.

Taking history! My T.A. is an airhead and so far I am behind in the class.

BUT YOU KNOW, I didn't intend for school to start off this way. I'm in like the 3rd week and it's like, jeez, what the frick happened? I planned it all out, I was going to keep up with class, I even have time ot keep up, but for some reason I refused to go along with my well laid plans. I was afraid to almost, I kept pushing it off and messing up my priorities. I sabotaged myself, but I don't understand why I would do this to myself.

I dunno.

Yesterday was the last straw, though. I got two hours of sleep and wrote 3 of the papers I had due and am not satisfied with any of those assignments and I'm sure I didn't do too well either. ^^;; Every quarter it's like, no matter what I do to plan the quarter out I always end up not sticking to my plans because it's almost as if I don't WANT to stick to them. Then I freak out, like ohemgee I will fail, and I get my act together. I wish it didn't have to come to that. I wish I could motivate myself and conqueor my fears and stop messing up. :[

Since I only got two hours of sleep last night, its like...I'm running on empty xD I still have school stuff I want to do, though. I'm like so sick of drinking coffee too, lol. Actually...

I find that I'm sick of coffee, fried foods, and junk foods. I went a week without drinking any pure water and it's like my body freaked out and I started getting dizzy and stuff, even when I tried to drink water my body seemed to reject it. I dunnow hy I did it, I just quit drinking water x__X; ANYWAY, it's good I think that I'm sick of this unhealthy stuff I've been exposing myself to, and since I'm exercising more now too hopefully this will help me lose weight!

I think there should be some form of world policy addressing at controlling population growth. Thats impossible though, isn't it? It's impossible because of how difficult such a policy would be to create and enforce. It would also be costly and time consuming. It would also be controversial as well. I wish the worldwide human community made more of an effort to control population growth. There are too many of us, and we are too destructive to the enviorment.

Gosh...it's late, I should get to bed. WELL, no, I'm going to bed in like two hours. I have this article for history class over Napolean that I need to read but ugh...so tired. Plus, I already read the other articles assigned for next class. I have this huge statistics assignment due on Monday, sorta scared about it. I understand basically what we have to do though since the previous research methods course I took introduced me to alot of the information. We're doing this new stuff though....blah, I forget what it's called. I gotta go out and get this special program though to do my homework with, it creates like the graphs and tables and stuff I'll need for the assignment.

Tomorrow I'm going to actually schedule out my time. Last quarter I did the same thing and it helped me have atleast an idea of how my time was being/should be sectioned off. I'm hoping witht hte creation of this new schedule I'll be able to avoid pulling allnighters! This is the first time(s) I've ever had to pull an allnighter so early in the quarter :[

Gooooosh I'm so sleepy. >__<

Considering bringing my laptop to class, it might actually be useful for the history class. I dunno though...LIKE, I'm considering buyign a new super cheap laptop for school. The one I have now has a big screen and is meant for entertainment more than school. I want a small, easy to carry around notebook that is cheap. All I would really need it to do is be able to use a word processor and browse the internet. The cheapeast I saw was like, under $400...

My laptop now, ugh, I hate this thing. It's such a peice of crap, and the lousy warrenty only lasted a year. :[ Like immediatly after the year was up, I started getting these verticle lines on the right side of my laptop screen. I did some research and it appears I will haveto replace my laptop screen, and people say it would be better to just buy a new laptop rather than replace the screen. u___u;; So lame! 'n it's embarassing too, stupid laptop >.>;;

WELL, blah, gonna summarize this article so I can go to sleep, nightnight!

Not Happy Times

2009-04-12T14:38:00.000-07:00

Ugh.

Two weeks ago while I was waiting at the bus stop I was approached by a man. I had seen this man on 2-3 occasions before the past year and he had always been friendly, and so I was friendly in return. He's atleast in his 50's and very loud and open. The last time I spoke to him he made me a little uncomfortable so I got off the bus way before my stop to exit the situation. When I ran into him two weeks ago he again made me feel uncomfortable so I got off the bus early, but this time he accompanied me off the bus and followed me to class. I was sort of ok with it at first, he seemed harmless. I gave him my phone number, because I felt he was harmless. As we continued towards my class he began to say things which were inappropriate, although I had ran into him in the past we had only spoken for less than 5 minutes while we waited for the bus. He started saying how he wanted to take me with him to meet his family, that I looked alot like his mom, and how eager and happy he was to know me--so much that he told all his friends about me, he pushed against me, even though he was visibly tired he continued following me to class, he insisted I travel with him, then started loudly singing that he loved me drawing alot of attention from those around us, all up until we FINALLY got to my class, at which point I quickly made my way into the building and oh my gosh...I don't think I've ever been so happy to be away from any person before.

It scared me. It scared the hell out of me. It made me uncomfortable, that this older man who I barely knew, who I consider a stranger, would follow me and say all these things and make me feel so uncomfortable and scared.

I told my mom about it, then I told my boyfriend about it who consoled me about it...

The next day, me and my bf go out and take the bus since the car is still in the shop. We go eat at a japanese resturant, go job hunting, and on our way to the movies we run into the scary man again. He gives me a friendly hello as I board the bus and I cling into David basically, he sees my bf, looks at us strangely, and seems distressed. I grab David and we get off the bus shortly after getting on. I'm really upset at that point and david is angry and...blah.

Then the man calls, since I gave him my number when I still thought it was all good and friendly. He calls alot. He calls so much that my sister yells at him and tells him to stop calling, and David get pissed and does the same. For a while, the phone calls stopped.

I sorta let it drift out of my mind, I was preoocupied with it for a while, especially last week, but when he stopped calling I felt more relaxed about the situation.

And then he calls today, and now this flood of fear and scaryness and blah goes over me again. What if he keeps calling? What if I see him on the bus again? What if he follows me again? What am I going to do? I guess since this is the first time anything weird like this has happened I don't know how to handle it...

Tomorrow I have school, I'll be taking the bus since the car is still broken. BY THE WAY, my car is so broken that I think it might be unfixable x__X; Sad times. But blah, tomorrow I gotta take the bus to school, I feel bad...asking david to come along too, I dunno, he just makes me feel safe. If I see the man he'll ask why he can't get ahold of me and why my family is so mean when he does call, and I gotta flat out tell him that they don't like him calling there. I honestly wish I never met this person, lol. I wish I could just go back in time and this whole situation could have never occured.

Unpleasantness

2009-04-01T05:03:00.000-07:00

QUICKY ENTRY

'cause it's the morning and I gotta run to catch the bus in a few minutes @__@;

The past 2 days of life have been really unpleasant. School sucks and home sucks (because of how I've been acting) too. Life would not be as bad though, if ohidk, THE BUS CAME WHEN IT IS SUPPOSE TO COME.

Situation: I bust my but all day yesterday, practically RUNNING from one side of campus to the other because thats how my classes are set up this quarter. My last class lets us out a little early, I rush to catch the bus! ...I MAKE IT! ..I make it to the first bus, which takes me to the second bus, which takes me home.

But oh-ho-ho. The bus to take me home skips my bus stop not only once, but twice. My feet are killing me, I have all these heavy books with me, and because of stupid construction the bus does not come to the stop TWICE.

Ugh.

So I end up walking about half a mile to another bus stop, HOPING I'll get picked up, the bus comes but gosh...that completely ruined my day. >_>

Blah, I has more to say but I gotta run. ;_;

A strange happening

2009-03-30T14:03:00.000-07:00

I came home and I cried today :[

Today was sort of rough, just a bunch of little things that ruined it for me. Woke up, DIDN'T WANNA GET UP! (lol), got up anyway. David was gonna come to school with me so we could put in applications around campus, but he forgot his busy money and couldn't. It made me sorta sad 'cause I really looked forward to it. :[

Got to school, a nice girl talked to me before class which rocked. ^^ But then I get into my class and the instructor did not show up, nor did they email us and say they weren't going to show up, and at 5PM today I still have received no notice or apology that our instructor basically blew us off. I could of went home early or not come to class at all, but I wasted my time on that unprofessionalism. :/

So I go, grab some breakfast, and go to get my books. They don't have any used versions of my books for this quarter so I end up paying $250 for two books. :/ I could of went to another bookstore and checked out their prices, but I decided to just catch the bus and go home.

'n you know what happens? The bus that takes me to the bus to go home completely passes me up. -_______-;; I miss the bus home, I'm stuck with these stupid, heavy, overpriced books, and I'm so upset I'm tearing up because at this point all I want to do is go home.

So I catch the next bus and decide to just go grocery shopping. Ugh, just annoyances there, then I had to get checked going out because the store-detector thing thought I stole something >__>; And then I almost AGAIN missed the bus to go home, and if I would of missed that I would of had to wait another hour to go home.

I came home and cried, David is a sweetie though and comforted me. I know its a bunch of silly little stuff, but it really upset me. ^^;;

I was suppose to go shopping with mom today but I don't think that will happen...which is sort of disappointing since I need notebooks for school tomorrow and I don't have any o__O; I was also upset because I was looking at my workload for this quarter, and oh my freaking god, for me to be taking mostly introductory courses they will require SO MUCH WORK from me...and then my stats class for my major, well, I don't like math...like, at all, lol. I love writing, I H-A-T-E math. I gotta go in with a positive attitude, though, and try my best! ^^

Go go Courtney! ^O^

Meow!

2009-03-29T16:46:00.001-07:00

Oh wow.

I'm irritable today. :[ Too many people want me to do too many things, AND IT'S LIKE GEEZ, stop! Let me take a breath x_________X;;

I feel ok though I guess, just overwhelmed and annoyed with all the drama lately. It's just family drama tho, big shocker there lol.

School starts again tomorrow, I'm sorta bummed out about it. I wish spring break was longer!

I volunteered part time for looking over this game I play too, it's fun and I'm excited to be doing it. I guess that overwhealms me the most, but I figure it's good because it will help me to prioritize things and make sure I study. WHY?! 'cause like, I really like this volunteering gig and I'll lose it if I don't work hard on it, but gotta work hard at school too! I dunno, I'm sure I'll figuree it out.

Thanks to those who read my nonsense little blog! Especially you, Esteban xD <3!

Open My Voice

2009-03-21T05:38:00.000-07:00

I feel like, weird-sad.

Ok, like, I'm so competitive over nothing. idk, maybe it's stemming from like some sort of insecurity or something. The issue is, I can be happy with stuff I do, but then if someone else does something similar it makes me feel like shit, like I suck, and I get competetive. I might be initially proud with something I do, but then if someone else does it or tries to do it I feel sad, and angry, and upset, and I don't understand why...'n then I get competetive, like "Oh I can do better than that" and I quit being happy over the first thing I did and try and do somethin else. 'n if I can't do it better than the person I get so upset.

I don't like that I do that. I don't want to do that. But how do I stop...like why can't I just be happy with stuff I do, and respect what other people do at the same time? I hate this about me...

In other news, I been playing a private server for Ragnarok! It's fun and I actually like it more than the actual server o___O; I guess it's 'cause I aint bein' milked for money on this server. It's set up like how Ragnarok was at first, even got beta Prontera, and the rates are low too! First low-rate server I have ever played lol! No trans though :[ which makes me sorta sad, but idk it's not a big deal. I feel weird about it I guess, I've been faithfully playing iRO since I was 16, and I'm 21 now :[ It's always been a significant part of my life, since I lack a social life and all xD But it's so crappy now, I can't stand the general community and I hate how it's being run, it's like a fucking scam and I don't wanna lose out on my monies. :[ But whatever, I'm wiping iRO outta my mind. Time to focus on other stuffs <3

I'm thinkin about buyin myself a cheap domain & webspace. I'm a little better at photoshop and junk now, if I work on my html skillz maybe I could offer free graphics or something 8D idk....my money is tied up into the car insurance and junk now...YOU KNOW, once it actually is fixed. ^^;; All the heater core oil-junk leaked all over the passanger side, mom don't wanna drive it to the guy so he can fix it because it spits out gasoline o___o; so now I gotta get it towed...but she has a friend with a tow truck so hopefully it won't be that bad. :[

I looked up stuff I can volenteer for. :D I'm scheduling an appointment with pre-Law as soon as classes start, gonna try and get some new glasses too! 8D Gotta find a jobbie too....

It'll be coolio's though :] I feel better after writing this, how awesome is that? ^O^

yay ^O^

2009-03-20T10:29:00.000-07:00

I MADE THE DEANS LIST

^______________^ Happy!

!!

2009-03-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

Good times. :]

I got an A on my research project! Yay ^_________________________^ I'm gonna contact my professor and see if he needs any help on any of his projects so I can have some junk to add on my applications for...stuff...o__O...

Nothing much to say really! Exams are over, I'm tired and it's lots of cleaning to do xD

I Can

2009-03-17T15:58:00.000-07:00

Ugh people are so stupid sometimes! >________>

WON"T EVEN SAY WHY

Just that people can be so retarded. They will probably continue to be retarded too.

Useless Advice

2009-03-17T05:35:00.000-07:00

My adviser for my major fucking sucks. I emailed her, and I'm like, I wanna get involved with student activities and stuff, should I set up an appointment to talk to you about it since I don't know how it works...'cause I wanna apply for some scholarships but I can't because I haven't done anything extracurricular.

First thing I said was, "I'm not on campus alot so I don't really know what goes on there."

She tells me to check out student organizations on campus, which is ohemgee so helpful SINCE I DON'T FUCKING GO ON CAMPUS ALOT AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK THAT IS. Then she says, go to student involvement fairs, and then mentions those are only offered Autumn. It's fucking winter quarter and I graduate next year. Thanks a fucking lot. Then says to look at the school website and ask my friends. I don't have friends on campus, and thanks for telling me to check the website and then not telling me what the fuck to check.

Ugh. So annoyed.

I'm not looking for her to like, hold my hand, I just want some fucking help. Probably more than most want, but I'm a ... like, I don't know how college works entirely, first person in my family to go, I don't live on campus so I don't have friends there nor do I know what goes on. Ever. It's just new and forgein to me, and I don't feel like she was any help, because I could have offered myself those same pointless suggestions--because it's all shit I already know. >_>

I guess thanks for nothing, lady who is suppose to be atleast somewhat helpful. I guess I could ask my scholarship advisor, she might be nicer.

New layout, figured out how to add comments too. With a little more time on my hands now I hope to update more often.

I need to make more friends.

Anyway, one more exam to study for....

Har har har

2009-03-16T13:14:00.000-07:00

I got a B on my final in biology! Only missed 10 questions outta 65 +_______+ Yay! Some of that stuff was really tricky-worded! :[ That grade should mean I have an A in biology.

I have an A in history.

I have an A in that mini class I took.

All that's left is sociology on Wednesday :] I dunno how well I've done in that class actually. I got A's on two papers and B on one, I got a A on the midterm, but the research project...don't think I did too well on, which sucks, but it's my fault. I let one aspect of the project scare me into not doing any of it, bad Courtney. :[ ANYWAYZ, gonna cram 4 that l8r, chillaxin' atm!

What now!

2009-03-14T19:41:00.000-07:00

SUP

After Wednesday I'm free again! +____+ ...til like the end of the month xD I'm good with that though.

:]

Studying for finals. It seems I have a solid A in history, all I need is a D on my final in biology to get atleast an A- in the class xD idk how I've done in sociology, I got an A on my last paper though! +__+

Oyoyoy! I gotta study though! I totally blew it off today, cramming is so not fun.

Tiny Update

2009-03-08T11:19:00.000-07:00

Hi blog.

Less than two weeks until finals are done. I can't wait. I miss having time to write, and having freetime in general.

It's ok though, I'm still happy. :]

Irritated!

2009-02-16T06:01:00.000-08:00

I'm swamped with school stuff.

-____________-;

Again!

I'm trying to make time to do everything and I just...can't. >__>; I been wanting to go back and like, see, I used to do MSN alot. I'd leave it up and open all day, but I don't anymore, I want to again once I get school work under control 'cause i don't wanna get distracted @__@; idk....

lol. :[

Instead of just SAYING I'll do school work I wanna activly do something about it. That's the goal.

Blahblah, back to school work...

Tickle Tickle

2009-02-11T11:35:00.000-08:00

Due to some twist of fate, I managed to get an A- on my biology midterm.

o________o;

in all honesty, I don't even remember like, the questions. Serious. lol, I was so exhausted, and I'm soooooooo shocked I did so well x__x;

I actually had pictures to post, and now I don't! x__X;

Gotta clean up and junk for tomorrow. KINDA SORTA A BIG DAY. :]

Smile For Me!

2009-02-09T15:27:00.001-08:00

I cannot for the life of me figure out how to add comments to this! It's so irritating ;________; Like no tutorial I have read and tried has worked, stupid blogger. ]: Maybe I should just move to livejournal? ;-; idk, I like here. Plus it's where I got to know Esteban, and he's awesome ^O^

I'm doing school work! I created my study guide for each class~well, finishing the biology one...wait, wait! Let me finish it now so I can make a proper entry!

...

.....

..............

K, all done.

School wise....I dunno, I stressed out / freaked out Thursday/Friday/Saturday 'cause all the, like, I had that paper due and I have my two midterms tomorrow, so it's sorta stressful o___o; but I managed to calm myself down, I finished my paper and...well, didn't do so well with studying for the other exams I have tomorrow, but I'ma try my best!

I been feelin so sad and lonely lately.

Today I ate a bananna, drank some water, had a cup of milk and 4 oreos. o_____o; I don't know how I accomplished as much as I did on that x__X; I went to bed late-ish too.

You ever notice how when girls talk about their day they go into all this detail that no one cares about...? I DO THAT, all the time xD; I recently realized I did it, like ohemgee, so funny.

I drew this valentines day picturee that I'm so proud of. I drew it yesterday and outlined it too, today I colored it, tomorrow after my exams I'm gonna shade it. +_______+ It's like, I mean I know it sucks 'cause I'm nub at drawing, but I'm proud of it. I wanna draw more pictures like that *_______*

My room is such a mess. The floor NEEDS swept, I should probably change the cat litter, I'm doing laundry at the moment and I'll need to put that up too. I need to organize stuff too, ugh >__<; everytime exams roll around I never have time to clean or simply neglect to--you should see my hair, it's such a mess! BUT EXAMS, THEY MUST BE STUDIED FOR!!! I don't think I'll do too well, actually. Simply because I procrastinated because I was so stressed out with school/family/life stuff. If I can get atleast a C on each exam (and my paper) I'll be happy. It's only halfway through the quarter, I still have time to improve!

I WILL SUCCEED! 8D !!

So I'ma take a 10 minute break and get back to that. Wish me luck tomorrow!

Down In The Dumps

2009-02-08T17:53:00.000-08:00

Hey blog, long time no see.

I been busy I guess. It's weird, the first time in a while I've gone so long without posting.

I just got an offer for a job. This person is like, ohmygosh, I need someone to fill this position, can you do it! ...but they want references, and I don't have any. Congrats Courtney, you just failed at life. Again. It's the job for editing papers, or posting fliers for the company so people can know they will edit your papers. It's the job I want. I want this job so badly. Pays $10 an hour, guaranteed a part time schedule, and I don't have any fucking referances.

God damn it.

God fucking damn it.

You have no idea how ashamed I feel of myself right now. Perfect job oppurtunity and I don't know anyone I can use as a referance, it's so pathetic. It's so fucking pathetic. College is about more than going to class and stuff, it's about expanding the network of people I know inorder to help myself in the future. 'n I failed. I freakin failed. I don't have friends. I don't even have any type of relationship with any instructor or advisor I've had before. Why do I fail so fucking much??

I literally cannot do anything right...

I should just give up.

Ugh.

Ugh. ugh. ugh. that's so pessimistic, I don't really believe that, and I won't give up. I'm just...so disappointed, I don't know what I should do, and I'm upset I just blew this for myself.

I'm working on editing the layout so comments can be added. Heyheyhey Esteban if you happen to still read here. <3

Law?

2009-01-28T04:44:00.000-08:00

:]

NO SCHOOL TODAY

So I'm doing school work. I wanna get ahead, I have two papers due next week and ohemgee if I can get them done now then there will be...happy times? lol

I have decided I want to be an equality & civil rights lawyer. I was looking at law school, iono if law is right for me anymore. I don't think I would get in, I mean, schools on average only accept 30% of the applicants. Out of 100% of applicants, only 30% get in, thats 70% of crushed dreams right thar. And that even includes the not-so-prestigious schools....thats so disappointing. My GPA is a 3.1, I haven't taken the LSAT yet, I mean idk how much higher I can even bump my GPA before I have to graduate, ugh.

And now reading other peoples experiances, one of this guy who had a better GPA, went to a better school, had alot extracurricular AND work experience, a difficult DOUBLE major, and all this other stuff says he barely got into law school...ugh....

Geh, don't matter, just gotta suck it up and do my best.

Shooting for tomorrow

2009-01-27T19:40:00.000-08:00

It's a snow storm, just some ice and junk.

Issues is I dunno whether I'll have school tomorrow or not...the public and private schools are closing, and some businesses, but I haven't heard my colleges name yet. >__<; ITS SORT OF IMPORTANT THAT I KNOW, because I have to wake up at 5AM tomorrow for school, and if I don't have to wake up that early I wanna know now ;__;

...plus, I got this biology lab tomorrow that I simply do not understand! So I don't wanna go xD; Or go to my sociology class! Ugh!

If they make us go I'll be so angry! >__< ORLYKE, if I wake up, get half way to school and they cancel I'll be pissed too. I'll also be pissed if the busses aren't running because the weather is bad. ]: ....but idk, I don't think the bus ever stops running. o__o;

...oh just checked the site, nevermind, rofl. Apparently when its a snow emergency busfare is free. xD; thats nice!

Sigh! Sigh! Sigh! We don't even have a snow emergency or anything. I guess I should get ready for bed...>.<;

EDIT: School was canceled; thank you mother nature. :]

bleep!

2009-01-25T07:33:00.000-08:00

I THINK I'M GETTING A COLD.

because my freakin throat feels weird, like hot on the inside? ...if that makes any sense? lol.

idk, I dont usually get sick.

I gotta remember to apply for financial aid for school soon..I should do it this week. I got alot on the agenda today but I see myself pushing some of it aside in favor of doing something else. Iono, for school nothing is really due tomorrow so I'm alright with that. I gota learn to manage my time, though >__< My last class starts tomorrow and blah, that'll be somethin extra I gotta do ;-;

SO

THEREFORE

Gotta manage my time better!

I made some hot cocoa for my throat sorta, since I didnt wanna make a new pot of coffee, but it makes my throat feel more weird x__X; think I will opt for coffee instead..

you changed your mind

2009-01-23T21:52:00.000-08:00

dumdumdumdum

looked at all the school junk i gotta do this weekend, not that much actually! so yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay for that 8D

...black nailpolish chips easylike. ]:

today i was gonna do my studyguide for biology but blah, idw. i colored the picture of some RO friends and...thats it!

didnt do much today, nto even sleepy but i think i should sleep anyway. WE HAD TACOS FOR DINNER, epic winness. 'cept they was cold and not that good.

thirsty...

and like no coffee today wtf. ]:<

didnt play RO as much as I planned ot, just slept instead, then did school blahblah.

idc.

I feel like crying, I keep like battling with it. I think I'm a bad person but I can't say why. I think I'm a really bad person. I keep thinking about what possibly could of been, and even though i know in my heart i made the right choice...i still feel bad, and I still feel sad, and disappointed with myself for recklessly putting myself in that situation in the first place. i knew better, but i neglected the consquences, and I did what i had to do, and now...

Now is now.

I'm not suicidal over it, and even though I know ti would be easier if I just had someone to talk to about it I'm alright with the fact that I don't. I've dealt with tough shit alone before, aint nothin new bro. It just makes my heart ache to think of the situation, why did I do that to myself?

No point in dwelling on the past, learn from it and move forward. It's like I'm collecting this jumbled mass of fucked up experiances and trying to do what I can to make them positive. It's not so bad, I mean, it could be worse.

Don't stress, just relax...

I almost bought myself the Bamboo Fun drawing pad, but blah...I don't need it, and that money could go towards the phone bill and stuff. Plus, I need glasses and my wisdom teeth taken out too. I need those things more than I want the Bamboo thing.

I just wanna treat myself to something nice, is all. I mean I've been putting up with alot of shit from alot of people, including myself. I just wanna...have something different, and special, as like a "it's not so bad" sorta thing? or like a minor reward for dealing with shit.

idk, ill just get a doughtnut or somethin from the grocery place, dont need a drawing pad, besides I checked it out, I'd still have to basically do the same stuff I do now, except minus the scanner...wtf i need that for? I got TWO scanners now, dont need nothin else takin up space.

sigh...

I just wanna get my head straight. I don't know what I want anymore.

high speeds

2009-01-23T15:53:00.000-08:00

idk what happened...

I took a nap.

I woke up.

No ones in the house, the outside cat is inside sitting at the dogs cage door an staring at her.

I go inspect the house, nobody is here but me.

So I try and call mom and I can't. 'n she texts me a few minutes after and says NOW shes at the emergency room with my sisters, but I don't know why...like, if somethings up with her or one of the girls, and my brother is at his friends house.

So...gotta wait til they are done there to know whats going on.

Oy...

Phone keeps saying I have a new voicemail and I don't. :/

EDIT: s'k. :] they told mom what was wrong and gave her meddies to make it better! Hooray!

hopless

2009-01-23T05:21:00.001-08:00

so yesterday in Biology lecture i learn we received 2 extra points on our first quiz, which put me up to a 18/20 rather than a 16/20. Britney only got like a 6/20 she was so pissed lol. She calculated like the first week of classes how many points she can miss inorder to still recieve an A, and it's only 48 points for the entire quarter. D:

so I'm like checkin my other grades for that class. On the labs I've missed 1.5 points total, don't know why. On the in class activity I missed one point too...? which makes no sense to me because the in class activity is basically just you give your opinion about a question he posses in classs and its basically just so he can make sure we're all going to lecture. Why have I missed one point when I was just giving my opinion? o_O;

So I gotta email my TA I guess, I demand to know where the frick my points went. I bought the fucking book for that stupid class (-$85 now...), cant sell the book back becausue its the online version of it. I refused to go back and pay $106 for the book again and even like half.com had the book for $90+ LIKE WTF BRO. Ugh, I got the book, not sure I even need it. We studied protien and DNA this week, I sorta understood it, the protien stuff was kinda heavy though...didn't help that i was dozing off in class, lol. Ugh I just hadn't been able to sleep good lately.

Geh, got my biology quiz today and tomorrow. I wanna try and finish up history though, make the outline for the biology stuff and maybe try the quiz tomorrow? The outling takes the most time anyway. I sorta need to outline for sociology class too, since the midterm is in a few weeks, and I need to start stuff for the fourth classs I'm taking. PLUS, it'd be nice if I outlined the stuff for history, should probably start the basic stuff for my research paper for soc too..ugggh, it makes me feel so overwhealmed.

For sociology the prof. made me change my research question, I'm fine with what I got now though. I sorta dont' like that class, it's not structed in any way I like. I WANNA ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTIONS TOO BUT I CAN'T IF HE JUST LETS EVERYONE YELL THE ANSWERS OUT. Plus, I sit sort of around the back too ~~with them dumb blond bitches~~ so I think I'll move to the front for the rest of the quarter. :/ Plus I don't feel as weird yelling out answers when I sit in the front. I just don't like that class really....I miss prof. lopez from last quarter, he was big and jolly and nice. ]:

history is just history. did two posts yesterday, gonna do two today, and probably two saturday. Next week, assuming I get the reading doen early, I wanna try and do my posts earlier in the week.

the fourth class I signed up for this quarter is just an online one, but it makes me sorta uneasy...I think its too late to drop it too, I just figured it would be an easy grade was all. >___> idk, i wish i wouldn't of signed up for it is all, I feel so stressed out this quarter.

Just need to...slow down..take a deep breath....everything will be fine...I just wish I could convince myself to believe that. :/

me me me me me

2009-01-22T14:09:00.000-08:00

ugh I'm so tired

did school today, soooooooooo didnt wanna get up this morning, hit snooze on my alarm for like a half hour before I finally rolled outta bed, didn't sleep enough last night. ]:

class was alright. sociology was boring again, i dont like either of the blond chicks that sit across from me, stupid superficial bitches, im half tempted to call the ugly one that but i dont think starting drama in school would necessarily be good, besides, those dumb hos dont matter.

i just been tired all day though, makes me...irritable as fuck, I managed to finish all my history reading, I just need to make my discussion posts now...I did two but im so tired now...I still gotta do 4 more before sunday. i think ill do one more later today, and two tomorrow, and one like after WoE on saturday that way its well spaced out.

mom took me out for chinese today, funfun. shes in so much pain though, shes going to the emergency room a little later, she keeps trying to put it off but i think its so bad now she dont got a choice anymore. i told her id go with her, and she said not to worry cause the wait would be long, told her i didnt care that id bring a book or somethin but she dun want any of us to go with her, i hope she feels better.

laptop cord came today, so now i got that back again, hopefull when i turn it on itll work right and stuff

i tried to talk to mom about stuff thats been going on but idk, she doesnt' care really. actually, no one i felt close to has really cared about anything going on in my life. i feel alienated by the people who i hought was suppose to care

thought wrong i guess :O

so i guess now its just "me-time".

SHOCK

2009-01-22T05:38:00.001-08:00

OMG

Amberly wants to do something this weekend I'm nervous ;___; idk what to tell her, yes or no...I don't know her all that well x__X; Like we been talking off and on since Thanksgiving but we're not close or anything, besides...

I'm so bad with people, and I get so nervous and junk T__T LIKE I am so not normal in social situations because I'm so shy, and because I don't hang out with people, and shes just being friendly...T__T what to do what to do!

And I don't like, know her-know her! I posted a thing on this site saying I wanted female friends and like a bunch of people (dudes and chicks) responded, like its where I know Dani and Jasmine from, but like...it was on the internets...besides what if she thinks I'm weird? >_<

Or I do something bad, geh, idw I'm scared ;O;

btw, esteban is so <3 ^O^

2009-01-19T18:48:00.001-08:00

no school work done today, atleast not as much as i shoulda done

i dun care

my baby was sad and i wanted to spend time with him. i hope he's doing alright now, poor thing...

school junk, idk, im up to date with all my school work i just wanted to geet ahead sosme so I could have more freetime. I guess I coudl sacrifce tomorrow and do that...im just sick of halfassed sacrificing my days to school work, like if i dont get most of this shit worked ahead on im going to burn myself out on school.

i feel kinda lonely, like i dont wanna sleep alone in my bed tonight. i feel guilty too, but I've been doing so much wrong lately I'm not entirely sure I even have time to feel guilty. Just blow it off, get my shit into order, ladie dadie.

AGENDA FOR CEREALS

2009-01-19T07:20:00.000-08:00

I got too sleepy last night and didn't get to finish my paper. ]:

So now I get to read through it all today....then what do I gotta do?

Sociology

I have to read the 22page article a few more times.
I have to finish & final draft my paper.
I have to read about 20 pages from our text book & note the important stuff.
I have to define a new research question for my research project.

History

Read ALL of chapter 3; 30 pages total
Watch the video lectures and videos for this week

Biology

Read the blog & make notes on it to post on
Read the next lab and understand it

That's wut I gotta do today.

Stupid school...

relationships are hard to do

2009-01-18T10:00:00.000-08:00

I feel sad I guess.

I been...ugh, I dunno. Right now I feel uneasy, and uncertain, anxious, scared, and it's not even about school lol. So i guess it's obvious then, if it's not about school then it's about...

So it's been 4 months now. Next month will be 5, and march will be 6. I wish time would go faster so I could say it's been longer. I wanna say it's been longer. I wanna say it's been forever and ever and it's forever to look forward too.

I dunno....

This long distance shit is hard. I mean gosh, it's not like this is the first time I've done long distance before but this seems just...so much harder, you know? It hasn't even been that long and it's so much harder than anything else I've ever been in before. I mean hard like, it's...hard to not see him, it's hard to not be with him, it's hard to not be able to talk to him, it's hard to deal with all of it period.

I'm sad I can't talk to him more, even though we talk like all the fucking time. I mean for fucks sake what more could I possibly want? We do talk enough, we talk alot, so what's my problem...

It's not even my problem, like a big one I mean, I know we talk alot. I don't care that he doesn't call more, I don't care that he doesn't text more, I don't care if we don't talk when I log on RO, I don't care that he doesn't use MSN, I honestly don't care about any of that. Don't bother me none. So why is it, when we do talk on the phone I always bring it up, like I actually do care?

I don't fucking care, I'm not in denial. I mean atfirst like when we first started talking again I was a little needy and dependant and junk but that was because of what happened before, I'm over that now. I trust David, and whats in the past is in the past.

So why do I always bring it up, like, the "we don't talk enough", we do talk enough...I mean honestly I do feel like we talk enough.

I get sad when he hangs up, though. Like oh my fucking god, almost everytime we hung up the past couple days I get sad, like whatever and kinda mad I think? Why? Why, why, why, why, why?

I think it's because I'm sad it means we won't talk anymore? Like, er, how you hang up and that ends the convo? o__o; When I first noticed myself getting upset about it, I blamed it on me being mad 'cause I thought he didn't wanna talk to me. But it's not that, I'm upset we won't talk anymore and I won't...get to hear his voice, or just..Idunno, hear him?

I know he wants to talk to me, though...if he didn't, then he wouldn't call me lol. If he didn't then he wouldn't text and stuff. I know he wants to talk to me, and I wanna talk to him.

But my gosh, it's getting to me like I NEED to talk to him, all the time, or I get sad...because I miss him, I miss him so fucking much it hurts right now. I mean god damn it's only been two weeks and I don't think I've ever missed anyone in my life so much. It's weird, because it's such a strong feeling that I've never felt before so I don't know how to deal with it.

I gotta get a hold of it, and control it and stuff. Yes, I miss him, but it don't mean I should act how I been acting. I get mad over the most stupid shit, and I know this, and I hate it. Or I get irritated, or whatever, like ...it's so selfish, it's selfish as fuck, because I know he misses me to ontop of ALL THE OTHER SHIT HE HAS TO DEAL WITH, and me, all I got is school, home, and him to worry about and ohemgee I act like its the end of the world, and I let my emotions get the best of me and crap and it's like I take it out on him.

BUT I must say that it's not as bad as I used to take stuff out on people. D: I used to get mad and angry and yell and cuss and shit.

...now I just get irritated and emo.

Ugh, what a lousy improvement.

I don't wanna get mad at him, or atleast, I don't want him to see I'm mad, or upset, or sad. I'm like crying now 'cause I miss him so much. 'n now today, like, how I acted yesterday...I mean i can't just keep acting out because I miss him. This is so hard to deal with though, to like constantly be able to be around him during christmas bread an dnow i cant even see him and stuff, and i cant even do stuff to make him happy or anything, and it sucks. it really sucks.

'n now i keep acting stupid, its gonna make him like me less, like thats obvious. i dunno, i feel so scared and anxious cause i dont wanna mess this up, its so awesome, and its so good, like he treats me so good, and hes so sweet, hes like the sweetest guy i ever dated before, and hes fun to be around, like usually its not even all serious like a relationship its just fun, and i like this...and i like him, and i liked when we were together....i promise ill stop getting so mad over stupid stuff, i mean ima try an dbe better....

idk, lol, like ohmahgosh i has upset myself too much so im gonna go...i dunno...be stupid somewhere sle...

black nailpolish

2009-01-18T07:28:00.000-08:00

dude my professor for history is so funny, lmao.

I have a question now, though, is our entire timeline system based off the birth of christ? I always thought it was something else, you know, something less religiously orientated.

I wanna write a short mystery story based off RO. It's gonna have peoples I know on RO, mostly just the guild. I think it'll be fun.

I need some coasters for my desk. ]: My coffee and water are gonna mess it up. ;-;

Mom was lookin on craigslist, & we gonna get me a bedframe! +___+ I'm excited, lmao.

anyway, off to school work! Sooner I get stuff done the better :]

outerspace

2009-01-17T16:13:00.000-08:00

oy

I'm kinda pissed off, I took my biology quiz and I only got a 70. Alot of the information on there wasn't even stuff we went over in lecture, which pisses me the fuck off because teh fucking professor said we didn't need to buy the god damn book and look...now I have to buy the fucking book anyway. Ugh. That's $85 for a fucking book I only get to use for half a year, I got the online version 'cause the real book even the discounted/used/messed up ones are $99 at the book store on campus, and with taxes it's $109.

I'm just irritated I guess. Other intro-to-whatever classes I took were easier than this, atleast the first quiz one. This one like completely blew me away and I was stuck skimming my notes and still unsure about wtf was going on. I'm so mad he said we didnt need the book and now I need it any freakin way.

Whatever....

School is on the agenda today and tomorrow and probably fucking monday too. Then again, it could be worse.

I guess I'll just have to suck it up and keep my head high. If I spend time moping it's less time working on school, and the more time I waste the more I put myself in a bad position. ]:

chapstic

2009-01-15T11:44:00.000-08:00

Gosh

I already went over my food budget by $11. ]: ...well, more like $16. Yesterday I bought a water, some skittles, and popcorn on campus and today i got some groceries.

I should just leave my wallet at home for now on @__@ Believe me, I want to, I just wouldn't know what to do if anything came up and I needed money >_<

Oy. ]:

I went to bed at 4AM, woke up around 7 for school. Did my hair in cute pigtails but the rubber band for one broke during sociology lecture and so I took the braids out and wore it down. That one weird kid with the fuzzy sideburns keeps looking at me in sociology. I thought it was just my imagination but no, it's not. o____o; Maybe I know him from somewhere and I just forget now? Me and brittany sat together in biology lecture, we got recitation together too. Shes nice!

Prolly gonna take a nap today, I'm on a full academic agenda today though. Going to finish reading for history, note out all the information, and do all of my required posts. That way tomorrow I can just read chapter three and already be ahead in the class. I gotta do the quizzes for history too. Then I gotta do the study guide for biology and do the quiz for that too. THEN I gotta think of a new research question for sociology and do/note the required reading and start a study guide of that.

This is the first time the entire time I've been in college that I'm actually attempting, early in the quarter, to get my classes in order o__o and ohmygod, this is so much easier when I'm doing junk when I should be xD

I'm having chilidogs for lunch. I used to like them cause Sonic liked them on the Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon. I am a dork, I know. :]

welcome two

2009-01-12T19:20:00.000-08:00

Oh ehm gee, it's like a party in here.

My brother got me this for my birthday/christmas.

Thanks brother.

He got me something else too but won't say what it is.

I think they're cute, I must find somewhere to put them.

He thought I was unappreciative of them, and we got into this big stupid drawn out thing because of a silly misunderstanding. Silly brother. I wonder what the other thing is, I bet it's way cute.

I was gonna read but I'm sleepy.

I need to do something creative again, it's an outlet for all my fustration and stuff. Either seriously start drawing, work on my Metalocalypse fanfic, or work on my RPGMakerVX game. idk, i'll decide on somethin. I could do all 3. idk. I DUN FREAKIN KAY.

Good night internets.

let me hear you

2009-01-12T13:48:00.001-08:00

sup bb <3

went to bed at like 4AM, woke up around 9. straightened my hair, put on some make up, BRO I EVEN FIGURED OUT HOW TO DO EYELINER I like how i look with it on 8D actually wore my hair down to school and junk too. i like how i looked today. <3

school was ok. the topic im researching, well, the general topic is women and coal mines and strikes. ...thats as far as I got with it. D: this week is so busy, like monday, tuesday, wednesday i practically have no free time. none. it's all to get ahead incase i get to see david this week. omg, omg, no free time. I got cramps outta this freakin world and the medicine is not helping. ]:

I wanna make dinner tonight, if kiki doesnt hurry and do the damn dishes though im making her do it. :/

blahblahblah, lemme get off here and get to work so I can actually sleep at a normal time tonight. ]:

Ronin Warriors

2009-01-12T07:39:00.001-08:00

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I have such horrible cramps right now. Ugh ugh ugh it freakin' hurts and I don't wannna take medicine for it until its closer to me leaving for school ;O; It's ok though, I mean I think I was suppose to expect this to happen like this!!!!!!!!!

It's a tiger on TV.

I like white bengal tigers, those are my favorite tigers because it was Ryos pet on Ronin Warriors.

....who is Ryo?

RYO IS AT THE FRONT. His armor is red. Behind him is whiteblaze. KENTO IS IMMEDIATELY BEHIND HIM. His armor is orange.I love kento he is my favorite I even named my goldfish after him. BEHIND KENTO IS CYE. Cye had the accent, I loved that. His armor is baby blue. LEFT FROM CYE IS ROWAN. Rowan was my second favorite ^O^ he was an archer and is the reason I like archer class in every MMO I play. He was smart too, I like smart guys. LEFT OF ROWAN IS SAGE. I liked Sage too, but he was mean to Kento and seemed kind of emo. ]: I wrote so many fanfics about this show as a kid.

If it wasn't for my teenage obsession with that show I don't know where I'd be right now.

My mommy offered to take me to school today so I dun gotta deal with the bus junk xD so nice of her. I told her i'm gonna work towards getting my license this month and next month and I want to have it by the end of february, she said ok and wants to help. She really wants me to learn to drive xD is sorta pushing me to learn it now.

k, im gonna go read for my sociology class that i have tomorrow and after i get home from school ima finish that, and then read up for history and work on my biology notes sincce it'll be a quiz on wednesday about it. probably read that article...assuming i work diligently HOPEFULLY today I'll have free time. ]:

eyes are watchin me

2009-01-11T21:47:00.000-08:00

I managed to get my school work done. :]

....stuff that was due today atleast lol.

I'm going to get ahead in my classes, or try to. Tomorrow I gotta confirm whether mom can go to fix davids car this week. I dunno when she'd have work off besides tuesday, so hopefully she can! Shes gonna get new car tires and junk first.

Gotta read ahead, I hate the history class reading >__< ima do that as early in the week as possible lol. That way I dont gotta go through every post and read. ]: My paper for sociology is due next tuesday so ima do my best to finish that! hopefully my laptop charger cord is here and I can take it with me....

I really wanna see david ;-;

i miss him lots...wanna see his hair too lol, im gonna tease him +__+

idk, lol, I gotta get ahead in my classes. It makes me feel bad, less hanging out with david time and i keep saying ima play with trevor and i never do ;-; GOD ITS JUST LIKE OLD TIMES I wanna tank him! or somethin xD somethin helpful!

i dont got class tomorrow til 12:30; checked the bus schedule I can leave home at 11:20 and make it to school on time 8D its a short class, wont even go the entire time so ima probably go to the library afterwards.

it snowed more outside, looks pretty! if david was here we could play in the snow! ...omg, i think about him too much lol. like jeez, everytime i talk to my family o rsomethin like everything reminds me of him or makes me think of him...

GTFO MY HEAD. ;-;

waking up early tomorrow....earlyish? idk, I kinda wanna straighten my hair but I dun think that'll happen. ]:

I can so get ahead and still have time for RO and shit, if I just focus. I can focus if it means I'll get to play with david. im willing to do lots for him...

like if i go to his house and stay there, will be a 7 1/2 hour busride home...not exactly pleasant, and I never rode it before either so scary ;-; but..it would mean i could see him...so worth it. i should make him come here instead. ]:< then he can take the bus home...! ...only around 5 hours then :D and moms could take us places andstuff, but idk, like i keep saying you-should-come-here and stuff but i hate it here, so much, so why do i wanna bring him somewhere i hate? like i kind of hate myself for being so...selfish, like that. i hate it here why make him miserable here too...like im so blinded by what i want that, idk, i feel bad.

ANYWAY

i want some oranges

lol

i should buy some

i still got $85 in my food budget, good times good times, i got cereal and junk, i need more lunch foods.

man i love him

like ohmygosh i love him

i hope we get to be together for a long time. i love him so much more than i ever loved anybody before. like hes such a good guy, and hes so sweet, and so caring, and its ...awesome, that i was able to find him. through RO of all junk! i dun think this is even like, "new relationship happy", like all new relationships got that honeymoon phase and then that dies and its boring and sucky. this is awesome. hes so much fun and stuff.

i wanna see him.

wanan spend time with him

we dont even gotta do nothin man we can make our own fun

or just chill

idc

jst wanna see him.

blah, i gotta sleep lol

jdfnmdmdsekker

2009-01-11T16:31:00.000-08:00

ugh.

im stressed about school.

we have to do these online responses to other students posts and I'm stressed out about it. I dunno how to respond or if what I'm saying is right.

i just need a break i guess...

ugh...

its for history class, I read all the material it's over, but I just..iono, if like my responce is right.

it's so hot in here too, god its so fucking hot. i had mom take me to mcdonalds, got a bigmac for a dollar wutwut? i was gonna make meatloaf and mash potatoes and some veggie on the side but nobody is here but me for dinner, didnt wanna waste that.

gotta do laundry, and shit...i had a big agenda planned for today but fuck man, wont even get half of it done.

got ink for the printer, well moms printer. it was only $20, all the ink for my printer is around $70, but thats 'cause its a real good printer. unfortunately means i wont be makin much use of it. ]: ordered a charger cord for my laptop so that'll be in sometime this week.

i think im goin to see david this week? idk...

ugh, i gotta find out between him and mom tomorrow cause if she takes me i wont have a way back if we dont get his car fixed so i gotta ... idk, man, iono

im fucking stressing out and i cant help it

fucking fuck

new layout

2009-01-10T12:42:00.000-08:00

yea.

worryworryworry!!

2009-01-10T07:36:00.000-08:00

my poor baby T________________________________________________T

Rusty

2009-01-09T14:22:00.001-08:00

I am angry because my laptop AC adapter is broken. It will be difficult to do school work, can't use vent during WOE on RO or open a client on it, and I can't solo my sage anymore. It's not as easy as "just buy another", 'cause that shiz cost money and I'm suppose to be saving what I have...

I'm taking two online classes and another class which heavily relies on me having a computer. If anything happens to my desktop, I'm fucked. I'm sad I can't level my sage because duel clienting on the desktop makes it overheat and shut off, the same with doing vent and having just one client open.

I need to open my desktop and clean it out, I'm afraid to do that though and I do something wrong and then I can't use the desktop anymore.

I dunno, it's just stressful. It started pissing me off when I was on RO with David, and then I got so worked up and then my stomach area started getting these sharp pains (I assume because I was so worked up) and, idk....iono, lol, I'm upset I got like that infront of David, and then I had ot just log off 'n stuff 'cause I knew I was being stupid.

I Dunno...it might not even be the adaptor thats messed up, might be the charging part of the laptop. Then what? Out of a laptop. The desktop is so loud I'm worried it'll give in any minute now. I gotta back it up again soon and then I'ma wipe everything off of it, I heard thats good to do every once in a while.

I dun even care about the laptop shit, I can dish out $20 and get a new adaptor I guess. Can't believe I let something so stupid upset me so much, even if its important its not no excuse for that really, and jeez I did it infront of David of all people, he probably thinks bad of me or something...

blah, no negative thoughts! >.<;;

I had to like lay myself down and force myself to relax. Getting so worked up is so unhealthy. WISH I HAD A SMOKE. I thought I'd be hooked on cigs by now but I'm not really, I don't even care to smoke them...unless someone else is smoking them ;-; the smell makes me craaaave one!

I hope I get to see him ne--oh, this week? idk, if i can find a way to him I can spend some time with him. It'll be nice...plus we can go to the movies I really wanna see the unborn ^O^ I'm sure its somethin he'd wanna see too! Or we could just kick it, and relax at his place. I don't care, I just wanna be with him. I wanna lay down and go to sleep next to him, and poke him and junk. :] I'm not sure I'll be able to though...iono, like, I don't have a way there. A round trip bus ticket woulda been $60 had I booked it earlier, now it'll be like $80...@__@ I can't really afford that lol...idk if I should ask him to drive here, it would technically be more cost efficient and stuff. I dont think moms car would make it there, the battery is messed up or something and the truck is fucked up from when she took me the first time which I feel incredibly bad for. I wish I had a car man I'd be there as much as I could be. I think its bad if I ask him to come though isn't it? I could send the money now and it wouldnt charge me much, and....iono...I wanna see him tho, and then I might get to see him again in february, and I'd see him again in March 'cause I'd get spring quarter school money ^O^ I can be ok with seein him once a month! +___+

...although after how I acted today, blah...I hate when I act bad infront of him. For whatever reason I seem to really care about what he thinks o_O;

Lalala...

Got school stuff to do today, lotslots. But man I'm so happy I got to spend so much time with him yesterday and today. Makes me so happy ^^

The Unborn

2009-01-08T14:08:00.003-08:00

I wanna see that movie so bad. ]:

it's over time

2009-01-06T11:35:00.000-08:00

sup bb <3

I just got off the phone with the place and I'm feelin' happy. +__+ Mostly 'cause I know nothing is wrong now, which is good.

I blew $289 on books today for school, I still need a book for another class too...;__;

School was alright today. I missed the bus because they messed up the whole busing schedule but my mommy took me to school instead! At school I got my books, took me like a half hour of wandering before I finally found all my books >_< I was trying to find them all used 'cause those are alot cheaper, and most kids dont' write much in the books or nothing 'cause I think you get less money when you sell them back if you do that.

I don't sell my books, I keep them all. I'm considering maybe I should sell them, though...I mean I spend around $400 in books per quarter, I could probably make atleast half of that back by selling them online at like half.com or somethin....

After that was biology, the guy sitting next to me had the worst smelling breath in the entire world. Everytime he breathed in my direction I wanted to shove a tictac down his throat and make him choke on it. ]: Class let out early, thankfully, and then was my sociological methods class. I have like 8 minutes to get from the middle of campus to the far end of it ;__; Run! Run! Run! My professor looks scary, but I'm probably going to ask him if I can do research work for him or somethin since he offered it to the class. I need something to put on my resume and he promises to write recomendation letters if we do good work. +__+ I spaced out most of that class because I was too caught up in my worrying thoughts.

Gonna make a budget after I buy books. I have all the school supplies I need, cloths, blahblah. I shouldn't really need to buy anything but food, and even then I shouldn't need to buy anything but breakfast and lunch for myself since they serve dinner here.

Making a budget, $75-$100 of food a month, it's all I really need to buy to be honest. This one guy said he can live on $50 a month I was like wutwut >_< I waste money alot. When the bus to take me home is late I usually stop at giant eagle and get a few things to kill time. Not anymore. I'm seriously trying to save money to move out, and I already spent alot so I gotta save what I have. In all actuality, I spent alot but I have more than enough to live off of. I gotta save though.

I wanted to get glasses but I think I'll wait until next quarter for those. It's also probaby when I'll get my wisdom teeth taken out. Still job hunting, forcing myself to get over my shyness and ask people at places whether or not they're hiring. I like writing, and this paper editing place needs people to do that so I'm trying to apply there. It's also this place that claims they'll pay for your class notes, and I take good notes, so looking into that too.

I dunno, I'll find something.

It's alot of appointments I need to make this quarter. I gotta go in and talk to my scholarship lady. I'll need to talk to the career connections lady too. I need to talk to my sociology advisor so they can point me in the right direction for law school. I know they're going to be so disappointed in me since I'm not involved in any student groups or organizations, and they will probably force me to join something. The bus service runs later now though so I should be set for all that. I gotta go to the dentist, I wanna make an eye appointment how much do glasses cost? Like I think my insurance covers getting fitted for them and the exam and stuff, I think I just gotta pay for frames and even then I get a discount I think...wait, let me check. Yah, I get a 20% discount, thats cool. I'm kinda pissed off because after skimming through my insurance I just saw they would of helped pay something with me >__>

I guess I could still get new glasses. It would cut into my moving out fund but not by much. I'll pay half of the getting my wisdom teeth removed from this quarter and the other half for next quarter. Hmm...financially this all seems to work out well.

Diet. I'm not on one. :D Diet's are stupid. Gotta have a lifestyle change, not a temporary diet. I'm cutting my portions, at home I eat too much. I need to eat slower. No more drinking so much soda. I got like a 12 pack and I got two 2liters yesterday, and thats gonna have to hold me over until March. I rarely ever eat out unless mom takes me with her, so thats good. Drink more water. That's all I been drinking, and when I get sick of water drink some green tea. I love green tea +___+ I lost some more weight, purdy proud of myself. I still got a long way to go, though...

idk, lol, I wanted to work out, I even got all the stuff I'd need to work out, but stuff came up and all that had to be put on hold. Now is different, I gotta take it slow for a few more weeks but I can start up atleast.

iono...I think I can get fit, like get fit healthy. Lower my portions more, like, just eat more small meals through the day instead of big meals. Work out and walk extra, I got my pedometer and junk. I wanna be flexible too +_______+

I'll work on it.

I got school stuff to do now but man I'm tired. Wish RO was up, I kinda want to play.

emotions

2009-01-05T15:43:00.000-08:00

Today I am 21.

I woke up around 8. I chatted some with my mom, watched TV, played RO, drew a cute picture, played sims2. Gosh I fucking miss him. My nose is red from crying, trying to wait for that to stop so I can go out and see what my family wants. They just wanna talk to me and stuff but I'm stressed out.

I really miss him...I cried last night too. Not for long, like five or 10 minutes. I feel...so, like, sad. 'n life feels sad, like something is missing. It's depressing as fuck. It's only been a day god damn it I need better control of myself...or just not to be so sad, damn it...ugh.

I'm ok...

ohemgee

2009-01-05T05:52:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

2009-01-04T19:23:00.000-08:00

I'm too sleepy to RO/sprite edit/photoshop/webdesign/do school work.

...but I don't want to sleep.

I DIDN'T CRY. I miss him, though. I miss talking to him. I miss being around him. I miss getting mad over dumb stuff and him knowing it's so dumb but trying to comfort me regardless. I miss poking him and playing around with him. I miss biddy. I miss his room. I miss his dumb uncomfortable chair. I miss how soft his skin is after a shower. I miss how his lips felt. I miss warning him not to do dumb stuff but knowing he would do it anyway. I miss Doggy. I miss his loud ass car. I miss trying to talk over it. I miss giggling and poking fun at him. I miss being teased by him. I miss holding his hand. I miss how affectionate he could be. I miss how comforting it was to know he was there. I miss his sleeping face. I miss his normal face. I miss tickling him. I miss poking my tongue at him. I miss how warm his hugs are. I miss his voice. I miss his breathing. I miss his carefreeness. I miss looking out for him.

Dude I'm tearing up but I'm so not crying lol. I have done everything I could think to do to distract me from missing him. I just...I need more to do to distract me. I don't miss him like, too much, like it isn't killing me, it's just starting to hurt, and the realization I won't see him again for a while.

...it's not forever, though. We'll hang out again soon, I mean it won't be for as long but it'll be somethin' to pass the time.

It's just...hard, though. This is so hard, and it's painful, like it really hurts to not be around him. I can't believe I feel so close and clingy and stuff after a few weeks, like it just felt natural to be there with him....natural, and normal, like it could go on forever, but it didn't.

It's not that long of a drive, though...I think that makes it feel worse? To know like, that in all actuality we're not the far from eachother, but it's far enough that we won't get to see eachother much.

Ugh...

Gotta stay positive, and happy, and distract myself x__X; NOSADNESSPLZK? It isn't so bad, we will hang out again, I gotta look forward to that. I mean the vacation is over, but this isn't for forever, it's just a matter of time before we're together again. I got my necklace (and bracelet) from him, 'n it makes me happy to hold it and think of all the love and junk that came hand and hand with him giving this to me. I'ma wear it all the time, I fuckin love my necklace best necklace in the whole damn world.

Gosh I miss you.

I couldn't help her

2009-01-04T18:02:00.001-08:00

My birthday is tomorrow!

I turn 21!

...and I'm not doing anything special, at all. Not drinking, not partying, idk...I just don't want to? No class tomorrow, me and my moms are going out some. I think she's taking me to lunch or something. That makes me happy. :] I'm not like, er, I doubt if I get any gifts or whatever, I usually don't so it's not a big deal to me. As long as it's cake and we all sing I'll be alright.

I finally got back home today, gonna update here more. Feels weird to be home, the drive here I thought it'd be so different...but it isn't. I've almost instantly fallen back into my same old routine.

I made a list of stuff I want to accomplish. I need a job, I'm financially fucked for a little while so I gotta get a job xD; I tried to put in applications online, and see who's hiring and stuff but uhm...not much jobs. I wanted a on campus job but thats like not hiring at all. AppleBees is hiring, urgently needs waitresses, dishwashers, junk like that....but its kinda far. >_< I dun got a car, still can't drive.

Brings me to my second thing I wanna accomplish. Mom sorta fixed her car, I need to learn to drive. If I could drive I can have whatever job I want, butu I need a car first since on campus jobs seem to be scarce. When classes start I'm gonna go job hunting around there.

I gotta do my FAFSA and get David to do his too. Mom is doing her income tax and junk so yay. I don't gotta file this year since I didn't work.

I gotta work out, get into shape. Having little money for food is totally gonna help that goal :D I'm still going to eat, lol, just only when the family cooks. I usually like buy myself little stuff on the side, don't need that. Gonna work out.

All this sounds so familiar, though...oh, thats right, SAME SHIT I ALWAYS SAY.

Will I stick to it this time?

Only time will tell.

So Much Is True

2008-12-23T06:34:00.000-08:00

Today is the morning. David woke me up because he is mean.

We played some RO and junk like that. Later today we're going his moms house to spend Christmas with his family. My hair is a mess and I'm tired, I should probably clean up today.

Oh me oh my

2008-12-22T19:20:00.000-08:00

hi thar.

I'm a little too open about alot of stuff, so I figured I'd do a change of pace.